Reflections

Christmas, New Years and upcoming birthdays are happy and joyful things to celebrate. Plenty of smiles and lots of laughter. Lots of hugs and kisses from my closest friends. This is the time I feel fake. Lots of smiling, laughter, cheer and jokes covering the bottom of my heart which is twisted with pain and cry. Every now and again, the brick on my heart will drop. But when i'm back in my own all four walls, I feel the heaviness again. Everytime, this time of the year approaches, sleepless nights prop up again. Thoughts and clear pictures run around my head of an event that happened 4 yrs ago. One event that i will never forget. I remember the first year, I said to my best friend " I can't believe one year has already gone by, it just felt like yesterday..." Year by year, I say the same thing. And without fail, i'm saying the same thing this year. Images are 110% clear. Relatives and friends that came and left I cannot forget. The weather, temperature, the breakfasts, the dinners, the smell, the atmosphere, the words being said and the feeling I cannot forget. The feeling of sadness in my heart will always be there, but this is the time that the images are most clear, that i am the most emotional. I hope to never forget, I hope my memory does not fade. But I also hope that one year, this time, i can honestly and openly say that I am happy and truely happy. I don't know when and how long this is going to be, i don't wish it happen straight away, but maybe, just maybe one day...